Vegas Mommy

Things that Suck

Well, it turns out the bleeding got much, much worse. I wasn't comfortable sitting here at home, wondering if I was going to bleed to death. So, I made my way to the ER. The hospital we delivered Ainsley at is where I was instructed to go, or rather where I was told I would deliver the twins at, because of their NICU. That whole thought is so far from my head right now, I don't even know how to describe it.

The drive to the hospital is about 30 minutes from our home and Mike was still at work. So, I drove myself. Probably not the smartest thing, but I didn't have too much of a choice. One pair of pants and two towels later, I was laying in a bed in the ER. IVs were started with fluids, blood counts were done, urine samples taken. The first thing the nurse said to me after getting my vital information was, "And they already know the babies aren't going to make it?" I almost came out of my skin. I tried to explain to her that according to my ultrasound a few hours earlier, they were still fine, but apparently with the blood everywhere, she thought differently.

It turns out my white blood cells were slightly elevated, but no infection to be found, and my blood count was still okay, so I didn't need a transfusion. They finally reached my OB and he said that he wanted me admitted immediately for observation. So, I was placed in a room a few hours later where someone from Labor and Delivery finally made it to my room late into the evening hours to check for fetal heart tones. I spent the remainder of the night crying, trying to sleep, and wondering what would become of all of this. It was probably one of the worst nights I have had in a long, long time.

By the time I had been placed in a room, Mike was getting Ainsley to sleep and I couldn't find a sitter to stay at the house while he came up to see me. We decided it wouldn't be feasible at that point - I guess it goes with having no family close by. Turns out the L and D nurse was a friend from high school, who ironically also has twins, and when I asked her, "Did you have a normal twin pregnancy?" she laughed and said, "Sweetie, there is NO such thing!"

By Saturday morning, the on-call doctor for my peri came to check me out. My bleeding had slowed significantly at that point and she said she would call my OB to discuss sending me home to rest. My OB then called me and we talked for a good 30 minutes. He said he doesn't like to call it "complete placenta previa" at 14 weeks, but often times the placenta just hasn't had a chance (or the room) to move into a better position. He called it a "low-lying placenta" and said that he would discharge me to go home as long as I agreed to stick as close to my bed as possible for the time-being.

A friend came over tonight to help me with Ainsley while Mike headed to work and I confided in her some of my own feelings I have had these past few days. I haven't discussed it with anyone, but blogging about it would probably ease some of my own worries. First off, it sucks feeling so awful and emotional about this after everything we have done to get here. I hate complaining about being stuck in bed, I hate watching Christmas commericals and wondering if I am ever going to get to go shopping, I hate not being able to chase my daughter around the house. I also have thought some other dark thoughts, one of which is that if some reason, this doesn't work, I don't think I want to try again. Sound unbelievable? I know. I have five blasts on ice. But the thought of having to board this roller coaster again makes me sick. I want these babies. And if that isn't in the cards, I don't think I could gather the strength to do this again.

The thought of possibly dealing with random massive bleeds for the next many, many months, which at some point would probably land me in the hospital permanently, seems like a fate worse than death. To not be able to tuck my daughter in every night, to not have the comforts of home or sleep next to my husband . . . I don't know.

My OB said he is still thinking the placentas will move. I slowed down to almost no bleeding yesterday and then last night when I went to the bathroom, I passed a large clot, the first one so far, and today, almost nothing, just red spotting. It is nerve-wracking. I vomited three times today, more than usual, and my stomach feels smaller. I know I am supposed to follow up with my doctors this week, but I am nervous about what they plan to tell me. I wasn't planning to be off of work this early either.

So, I guess right now, I am in just a dark place. I feel like there is a haze around me and I don't know how to cope. One minute, I feel okay, the next, I want to run away from this nightmare.

I went to bed last night feeling . . . off. My head had been pounding since about 4 pm and I felt generally crappy. My first trimester screening a few weeks ago came back good, minus the error in reporting originally from the nurses, but I will save that for another time. The babies have been doing well and everything has seemed to be moving along, so when I woke up this morning and felt even worse, I didn't really know what to think.

After I threw up bile and tried to eat breakfast, which I threw up a few minutes later, grabbing my head in agony, I decided that it was probably just morning sickness and I would head to work. I actually got there and laid in my car in the parking lot for a little while and then finally mustered up enough effort to make it to my classroom. I kept my head on the desk, chatted with a friend, and waited for my students to arrive. But as I got up to use the restroom, I felt a gush and blood was covering my pants (and my feet).

Needless to say, I quietly grabbed my purse and bag and went through the front office, even more quietly telling my principal that I was leaving to go to the doctor. She rushed me out, I drove with no music and thought about what this all means. My OB is out of town and they suggested I go to the ER, but why expose myself to all those germs when Labor and Delivery won't even take me until after 20 weeks? So, I called my peri and they had me come in. My peri wasn't there, so I saw another doctor on staff.

The ultrasound showed both babies seem to be doing well still. Hearts beating away, active and moving. The vaginal ultrasound revealed I have full placenta previa, which isn't totally shocking @ 14 weeks, but as the peri said, "That is a WHOLE lotta placenta covering your cervix." There were no clots showing or tears or abruptions, so they aren't even 100% sure the bleeding is coming from my placenta, but that is what it looks like. They did blood counts on me and said if the bleeding doesn't slow down by 3 pm, I am to go to the ER, which upsets me even more, but I don't know what else to do.

I have no experience with bleeding in pregnancy and because my only bleeding episodes have been with miscarriage, my brain just doesn't quite wrap around how this is all playing out. I am on bedrest. I am so nervous and scared and have millions of thoughts going through my head about how I am going to do this and if everything will be okay with the babies.

And the tech told me, quietly, as she was looking around, that Baby A is a boy . . . but Baby B was hiding. I don't know how to be happy when it seems something horrible could be happening.

Still here . . . .

I haven't posted in a while, but if it makes you feel any better, I have thought about it frequently and just wondered where I was going to get the energy to walk over to the computer and sign in. By the time I get home from work, I barely have enough energy to conjure up some dinner, put on pajamas, and cuddle on the couch with Ainsley.

Things are still going well, really well, in fact. I had my first peri appointment yesterday and they did the first trimester screening. I never had this done with Ainsley - just met with the peri for some level II and level III ultrasounds in the second half of my pregnancy. While I don't have the results from the bloodwork back yet, he did tell me their nuchal folds were tiny, tiny, tiny, and he said it looks great and shows no indicators of Downs, etc. Their growth was great, both were playing around and just when measurements needed to be done, one would start to doze off and I would cough (still have this stupid dry cough) and the baby would jolt awake. (Okay, that is my interpretation, but that is what it looked like.) It was pretty cute.

As far as the peri can tell, they are di/di twins, as they are in separate sacs and do not share a placenta. He said this is good and that these type of twins often have less issues with growth restrictions and other early problems. He also said that my chances of preterm labor are small considering I carried Ainsley to term, but that he would be checking my cervical length every two weeks until the last trimester, and then it may become more frequent. That is very reassuring and even though I should be at my OB or peri once every week to two weeks for the rest of this pregnancy, I feel somewhat reassured that everyone is on top of this.

I also expressed to him some of my anxiety about this. I have blown through two books on twins in the last few weeks and it seems like anxiety in a multiple pregnancy is very normal. It varies. Some days I feel like superwoman and other days I feel like wringing my hands over how I will do it all. I have been a little amazed at the weight gain already. It isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but holy cow am I going to be big . . . He said eat well, eat a lot, eat often. My weight gain of 40 pounds was justified in his eyes, if I am even able to control it and shoot for that.

As for work, both my doctors said to expect to be sent home if all is going as expected around 28-32 weeks. I have already decided that 30 weeks is my cut-off and I will just go on house arrest, praying no other problems send me home earlier. I plan on telling my students today, which should be interesting. Mike's family knows now, too. I came up with a really cute way of telling them - so proud of my creative genius - haha! I filled up a box with Halloween goodies and cookies, etc. And I sent this note:

Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat!

Here are some goodies for you to eat!

But before you scream, "Eeeeeek!" or "Boooooo!"

Can you guess who is expecting?

And not just one, but TWO?

That is right! Ainsley is getting not one, but two siblings this Spring!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween!

:-)

Monkeys run in our family . . .

I went in for what is *supposed* to be my last ultrasound with Dr. D this morning. Both babies were bouncing around, waving arms and doing flips just like my little monkey Ainsley did when I was pregnant with her. Their heartrates are now in the 170s, which leads me to believe that I am pregnant with two girls, much to my husband's dismay. And their measurements are on-target, etc. Dr. D was out today, so I was told he would review my chart and ultrasound report and hopefully tomorrow I will know his thoughts.

The other great news is that despite vomiting pretty frequently this weekend, my progesterone actually went back up to 29. (Yeah!) They are taking me off the Vivelle patches, so I am just on the Estradiol and the Prometrium still. The nurse said this means the placentas may finally be taking over and doing their thing, so hopefully I will only have  few more weeks until I can stop the Prometrium, too.

It is 4:50 pm. I made it back to work after being so sick for an all day training, but I am so wiped out. . . .  I am going to put my pajamas . . . . ah, the best part of the day.

Here is a side-view of my strange shelf . . . still managing to conceal it pretty well, but I don't give it long before people either assume I have been at Krispy Kreme too much or that I am pregnant. Or both. :)

Rough Week

This is the article I first saw when I turned on my computer this morning.

Since Tuesday evening, I have been sick. It started with a sore throat, then moved into a sinus infection, and Wednesday night, I started coughing up that horrible green gunk. I called Dr. D Wednesday evening and I told him it felt like bronchitis. I have no fever, however, just feel pretty awful altogether. He said it is most likely viral and if we could avoid antibiotics, that would be good. So I have taken nothing and have missed three days of work this week.

I started thinking more about it and that article describes it perfectly. I feel like my body is having a difficult time fighting this off. I get winded going up the stairs and I sit up suddenly 5-7 times a night gasping for breath and coughing away. Pregnant women have compromised immune systems and shortness of breath, which can be due to compressed organs and lungs. It is so scary to think that right now, I am exposed and open to the elements, especially since I am already sick. So . . staying in this week away from the students and hopefully this weekend will enable me to get well.

We are getting our flu shots the 17th at our health fair for work. Now that I have been sick, I probably couldn't get it any sooner anyway because you are not supposed to get a flu shot if you have had a cold, etc. in the last 10 days. But I called the Health District yesterday and they have no estimated dates, no clue on when the H1N1 vaccine will get here. I think I am definitely leaning towards getting it now.

In the meantime, I am just going to read and watch movies and hope this passes soon so I can be well.

Good ol' self esteem

To put it bluntly, I started this pregnancy off on the high side of things. I was doing WW pretty religiously before fertility meds for my IVF cycle began and I felt so thrown out of wack that I opted to stop counting my points and just focus on eating well. Somehow, I manged to gain twelve pounds in the whole grand scheme of things and this does not count the weight I gained in the IUI cycles either. (Blame it on hormones. And pie. And the batch of brownies I just had to make every now and then.) The thing is - I cannot make myself feel like crap about it. I know myself well enough to know I can work hard if this pregnancy comes to fruition and eat well, and also drop the weight afterwards, plus some. It is hard to explain, but I don't think I ever gave weight loss 100% since I have had Ainsley because I always knew I wanted another child. Bad excuse, but it is what it is.

So, now I am reading Barbara Luke's book on the nutrional aspects of a multiple pregnancy. (Thanks, Lisa!) Yes - I am very aware that sometime between the time I had my last ultrasound and now, I may have one less baby or possibly worse. But so far, I have had nothing external to make me worry any more than I already do on my own. I have to try to be optimistic, at least for the sake of everyone around me. :-)

Anyway, the book does have some rather scary goals I should be meeting in terms of weight gain and caloric intake already. But there are a few places that talk about pre-pregnancy weight's role in this, too. And it appears that I don't have to gain an insane amount of weight to help these little babies be viable, just eat often and eat well. I gained 32 pounds with Ainsley. My husband said, "Well, doesn't that logically mean that you will gain 64 pounds with this pregnancy?" Well, um, no, because she didn't weight 32 pounds, although she felt like it, at times. And even though the book suggest women of normal weight gain 60 pounds in a twin pregnancy, I am not of a normal weight. So, I would assume 40 pounds would be reasonable - not that I have that much control over it - but I am adding it to my questions for my OB and peri once I (hopefully) get to see them. As of now, I have gained three pounds. I am 9 weeks pregnant. At this point with Ainsley, I had gained zero. So, I guess I am doing okay. (P.S. I am not trying to jinx things, but I have thrown up so much less with this pregnancy than with my pregnancy with Ainsley. Does that even make sense? It makes me worry.)

I took a few photos with the webcam tonight if anyone wants to poke fun. My body seems wider, if that makes sense. And the way my stomach looks, it is as if my uterus is right under my rack. Strange. I never got a really cute pregnancy belly with Ainsley either, though so I guess I wouldn't expect this to be any different.

Let me know if you are interested in seeing the shots. Or better yet, you could just tell me how gorgeous I am, even if you are fibbing, and I will feel better. :-)

Better Up than Down, I Guess!

So my progesterone went back up to 22. Dr. D doesn't seem overly concerned, so I am free from the bloodletting until my next ultrasound on the October 5th. In the meantime, I am going to try really hard to not worry about everything. The list goes on and on and includes things like: Why didn't I throw up today? What do I feel okay and not like death (like last weekend)? Why is this pregnancy so different than before? Why is my pee so yellow when I am drinking all this damn water? Why isn't my hair growing faster?

I need a vacation.

What can't all my news ALWAYS be good?

Once again, my bloodwork on Tuesday revealed my progesterone is in a downward spiral. Gees. So, once a week bloodwork is now back to every two days. Again. My veins are so tired of this. After the nurse (not my favorite one) called with the results, I hung up and spent the next 45 minutes trying not to think about it. I decided I needed to hear the news from the nurse I actually like because I know she won't butter anything up for me, so I buzzed her. She basically said my Hcg is still great, my estrogen is holding steady and good, but the progesterone is just kind of sucky @ 19. Yes, anything above 15 is considered okay. But I am in a medicated cycle! I should be leaking progesterone from my nether regions! Oh wait . . I already am, damn suppositiories. But really, 19?! She said the bloodwork again tomorrow is a precaution and close-monitoring. In her words, "if Dr. D was really, really worried, he would have called you himself and you would be back daily." Hmmph. Not sure what to think.

In terms of symptoms, I would chalk this pregnancy up to being pretty different from Ainsley's so far. I don't seem to be as tired as I was with her, although I am not sure if it is because now I have another human to take care of. I am tired, but not all the time like I seemed to feel with her. And yes, morning sickness is still hanging out. But knock on wood, it is worse in the evenings, which is more manageable because I can lay down. I filled the Zofran, but I have only taken two pills this week when I absolutely couldn't hold anything down and it helped almost immediately. And of course, there is the belly. It is definitely not the same belly I had with Ainsley. But I guess that is to be expected. I am hoping I can make it into the second trimester (so, so hopeful) without having to bust out the maternity pants, but I am not so sure that will happen.

So, basically, to sum it all up, I go between feeling okay and feeling like a truckload of poo. I suck at making progesterone. And I have no idea if everything is okay because I am still light years away from an ultrasound. (sigh)

Still here, still searching for energy . . . .

If you saw that crazy woman rip open a box of crackers at Target this morning, that would have been me. I feel good sometimes and then boom! This dizziness and disorientation hits me and I feel like, "If I don't get something in my belly right now, I am going to faint." I have been carrying things to eat in my purse, but for some reason, I forgot this morning. With Ainsley, I craved bacon, but it had to be burned to a crisp. This time around, I have had strange cravings overtake me and they are never the same one twice. On Wednesday, I decided at about 2 pm that I had to have fried chicken right then. I don't even like fried chicken.

One thing that has been on my mind in the past few days is the upcoming possibility of the H1N1 shot. I am so torn on what to do. I am exposed to tons of germs everyday at all of my schools. I wash my hands regularly, use hand sanitizer, and try to keep Ainsley as clean as possible even though she is also exposed to preschool germies, too. But does anyone really know if this will be successful in preventing the virus, first off, and if it will be safe to unborn babies? While I don't want to get the virus, I certainly don't want to take any extra risks for the health of my little ones, including Ainsley. Does anyone have thoughts on this yet?

As for the regular flu shot, our school district has a health fair here every year where we can get our shots for free. It isn't until mid-October when I would almost be out of the first trimester (hopefully).  That is somewhat reassuring. But when pregnant with Ainsley, I passed it up because I was simply too afraid of the implications. Since then, our entire family has gotten them, excluding Mike that first Christmas after she was born and of course, he got the flu and got it BAD. It was close to being the worst two days of our lives. 104 fever and delirium. I quarantined him in fear I would expose Ainsley and I, but luckily, we remained healthy.

So . . . what are your plans for the vaccines?

Second ultrasound

Well . . . we have two, tiny heartbeats. :-)

Both babies are measuring perfectly and even though Baby B's sac is still smaller, the crown to rump lengths are 7.3 and 7.1 and their heartbeats were 125 and 126. As the nurse said, it shows they are growing at the same rates, despite the sac differences.

My bloodwork results revealed my estrogen is 805, progesterone is 24, and Hcg is 38,491. It is really good the progesterone is holding steady since I stopped the injections and when Dr. D called this evening, he said they will test my blood next Tuesday and if those levels are good, they will slowly wean me off the estrogen. My last ultrasound is scheduled for October 5th with them and he said if all is still going well then, I am to be transferred to my regular OB.

I love getting good news. I know we are still very early in this game, but things are going well thus far. I had a few mini-meltdowns earlier. Hard to describe now that I feel calm, but I am just worried about how things will play out. I am not for one minute ungrateful for what I am being blessed with, but it doesn't mean that I worry about how things will be with three children all of a sudden when we have become accustomed to one. I know things will all fall into place - just have to keep telling myself that and continue to be optimistic. :-)

October 5th is a long, long way away . . .