Vegas Mommy

18.5 weeks . . . but who is counting, right?

I went back to work the week of Thanksgiving and it felt . . . good. However, I was shocked at how useless I felt. My muscles are tired and sore, probably from underusage and the extra weight I am carrying, and by mid-day, I was starting to feel like I needed a nap again. Kind of sucks considering the second trimester is when you feel so energized and vibrant. Guess my body has decided to skip over that part.

My last few appointments have been mostly uneventful. My cervical checks are still good - I am long and closed with no visible shortening. The spotting all but stopped this past week, but picked up again last night with some brighter blood. I laid awake most of the night, trying not to be concerned, but today is has tapered off enough to make me think it won't increase at the moment. I don't know if it is a coincidence or not, but I went to Mike's holiday party last night and ended up being on my feet much too long. I am able to stay off my feet most of the day now, regardless of whether I am at work or not, so I plan on continuing this and hopefully I can keep the bleeding at bay, at least for a while.

I go to the peri on the 15th for the 20-week ultrasound. They will also do an echocardiogram on the babies at that time to look for any heart defects since I do have a mild one. I am taking that day off from work so I won't have to rush around, so that leaves me with nine days of work until Christmas vacation. I hope I can make it through without any further incidents.

My blog is a bit boring right now, but I am sucked dry of creativity. I haven't yet begun to feel excited about the prospects of bringing home two little boys. I still have so much apprehension and worry, most of which I try to avoid thinking about. I think if I didn't have this damn placenta issue then I might be getting excited by now. I try to find little things to make me happy. Today, it was Ainsley's cuddle-session at 7 am, where she told me she had good dreams last night. It was also when my friend Kim, who just flew in from Korea, brought her two girls over today and I got to love up on her new baby, Rachel. Okay, and the fact that Kim told me that I look great and not big at all. I feel like it takes so much more effort just to get into my car and out of bed these days and am so tired of hearing, "Wow! You have, like, DOUBLED in size this week!" from random people. :)

For a good laugh for some of you, these are the top 5 things I hear from people once they know we are having twins. Pretty soon I am going to have to knock out someone if I continue to hear the same questions over and over again . . . but I have been biting my tongue.

5. Are you planning on breast-feeding? Because who on Earth could afford that much formula?!

4. Good God! Better you, than me!!

3. You look like you could have them right now!

2. Just imagine the diapers you are going to go through . . .

(and my personal favorite, one that is usually followed by even more questions, some of which I have come up with some rather creative answers for . . . )

1. Do twins run in your family?!?!

OB vs. Peri

You would think having a team of the most wonderful physicians looking over my care would help make things so much easier. But in reality - it is SO much more difficult this way. Let me explain . . .

My OB tends to be the more cautious of the two. He obviously deals with more *normal* pregnancies the majority of the time, but knows the reality of things. His thoughts on my placenta previa are it's here, it is probably sticking around, and if I bleed again, then no more work for me. He stressed the extreme possibility of ending up in the hospital for the long-term once the babies are viable, if I am still experiencing bleeding.

My peri, who deals with cases like mine everyday, is kind of "eh" about the whole thing. He said he is 90% sure I will bleed on and off for the remainder of my pregnancy, that the placenta is probably not going to move much, but there is nothing they can do now anyway to save the babies, if it ever came down to that. (In other words, it is too early.) He is cut and dry, kind, but basically said, "Go about your life. Call me and we will check things out if you fill more than a pad an hour. Don't pick up your daughter. Don't have sex. Do go to the movies or to a dinner out. Live your life." He said once viability comes into play, then short, periodic hospital stays may be in the works if the bleeding is constant or heavy.

I am spotting now still, but the ultrasound revealed several medium-sized pockets of blood hanging out. The peri didn't seem worried. They will either shrink on their own or I will bleed them out.

All of this is rather confusing and kind of scary. I want to head back to work on Monday, but let's face it: no one wants to bleed when they are pregnant. Hell, I don't even like it when I am NOT pregnant. What do you think?

P.S. Both babies are boys. :)

Nothing but time . . .

Nothing really exciting going on here. I have officially decided I am not a person made to suffer through bedrest. Just the thought of having to do this any longer makes me want to throw up. The positives in it right now is that I am at home and not the hospital. Pray that it never comes to that.

I went to see my OB on Tuesday. He checked the babies and they were doing fine. Once I sat up, I decided to just get down to it and discuss the future of things, as he sees it. He said he thinks I will continue to have bleeding episodes, that the placement of the placenta being right over the cervix means that it may not move as the uterus stretches, that I will not go full-term, and that if I continue to have problems, I will likely end up in the hospital until they are born. I have been told I can go back to work the week of Thanksgiving, but that if I bleed again, he will not allow me to go back at all. He said the fact that I am now 15 weeks is reassuring for the babies, but we are not out of the woods. It was kind of a disheartening appointment. I will follow-up with my peri next Tuesday, where I am scheduled for the "big" ultrasound, measurements, cervical check, etc.

Life is passing very slowly. I feel badly admitting that I am not the least bit excited about having more children because I think my heart is protecting me from getting too close to them in case something happens. My husband has been wonderful through everything and Ainsley seems to understand everything pretty well. It doesn't quite feel like the holidays yet since it is barely cool enough here for a light sweater. But all the Christmas commercials and neighbors putting up lights makes me nervous that Christmas won't be the same, whether I am stuck in bed here or elsewhere. Right now, I am praying for my body to weather this storm, let me return to light duty back at work so I can add a few more weeks to our income, and get through the holidays at home, watching the joy and awe in Ainsley's eyes on Christmas morning.

I will be 30 weeks in February, that really somewhat-solid ground of viability for babies. I think once December passes, the rest will hopeful pass quickly and I will be able to know that everything will be okay.

Things that Suck

Well, it turns out the bleeding got much, much worse. I wasn't comfortable sitting here at home, wondering if I was going to bleed to death. So, I made my way to the ER. The hospital we delivered Ainsley at is where I was instructed to go, or rather where I was told I would deliver the twins at, because of their NICU. That whole thought is so far from my head right now, I don't even know how to describe it.

The drive to the hospital is about 30 minutes from our home and Mike was still at work. So, I drove myself. Probably not the smartest thing, but I didn't have too much of a choice. One pair of pants and two towels later, I was laying in a bed in the ER. IVs were started with fluids, blood counts were done, urine samples taken. The first thing the nurse said to me after getting my vital information was, "And they already know the babies aren't going to make it?" I almost came out of my skin. I tried to explain to her that according to my ultrasound a few hours earlier, they were still fine, but apparently with the blood everywhere, she thought differently.

It turns out my white blood cells were slightly elevated, but no infection to be found, and my blood count was still okay, so I didn't need a transfusion. They finally reached my OB and he said that he wanted me admitted immediately for observation. So, I was placed in a room a few hours later where someone from Labor and Delivery finally made it to my room late into the evening hours to check for fetal heart tones. I spent the remainder of the night crying, trying to sleep, and wondering what would become of all of this. It was probably one of the worst nights I have had in a long, long time.

By the time I had been placed in a room, Mike was getting Ainsley to sleep and I couldn't find a sitter to stay at the house while he came up to see me. We decided it wouldn't be feasible at that point - I guess it goes with having no family close by. Turns out the L and D nurse was a friend from high school, who ironically also has twins, and when I asked her, "Did you have a normal twin pregnancy?" she laughed and said, "Sweetie, there is NO such thing!"

By Saturday morning, the on-call doctor for my peri came to check me out. My bleeding had slowed significantly at that point and she said she would call my OB to discuss sending me home to rest. My OB then called me and we talked for a good 30 minutes. He said he doesn't like to call it "complete placenta previa" at 14 weeks, but often times the placenta just hasn't had a chance (or the room) to move into a better position. He called it a "low-lying placenta" and said that he would discharge me to go home as long as I agreed to stick as close to my bed as possible for the time-being.

A friend came over tonight to help me with Ainsley while Mike headed to work and I confided in her some of my own feelings I have had these past few days. I haven't discussed it with anyone, but blogging about it would probably ease some of my own worries. First off, it sucks feeling so awful and emotional about this after everything we have done to get here. I hate complaining about being stuck in bed, I hate watching Christmas commericals and wondering if I am ever going to get to go shopping, I hate not being able to chase my daughter around the house. I also have thought some other dark thoughts, one of which is that if some reason, this doesn't work, I don't think I want to try again. Sound unbelievable? I know. I have five blasts on ice. But the thought of having to board this roller coaster again makes me sick. I want these babies. And if that isn't in the cards, I don't think I could gather the strength to do this again.

The thought of possibly dealing with random massive bleeds for the next many, many months, which at some point would probably land me in the hospital permanently, seems like a fate worse than death. To not be able to tuck my daughter in every night, to not have the comforts of home or sleep next to my husband . . . I don't know.

My OB said he is still thinking the placentas will move. I slowed down to almost no bleeding yesterday and then last night when I went to the bathroom, I passed a large clot, the first one so far, and today, almost nothing, just red spotting. It is nerve-wracking. I vomited three times today, more than usual, and my stomach feels smaller. I know I am supposed to follow up with my doctors this week, but I am nervous about what they plan to tell me. I wasn't planning to be off of work this early either.

So, I guess right now, I am in just a dark place. I feel like there is a haze around me and I don't know how to cope. One minute, I feel okay, the next, I want to run away from this nightmare.

I went to bed last night feeling . . . off. My head had been pounding since about 4 pm and I felt generally crappy. My first trimester screening a few weeks ago came back good, minus the error in reporting originally from the nurses, but I will save that for another time. The babies have been doing well and everything has seemed to be moving along, so when I woke up this morning and felt even worse, I didn't really know what to think.

After I threw up bile and tried to eat breakfast, which I threw up a few minutes later, grabbing my head in agony, I decided that it was probably just morning sickness and I would head to work. I actually got there and laid in my car in the parking lot for a little while and then finally mustered up enough effort to make it to my classroom. I kept my head on the desk, chatted with a friend, and waited for my students to arrive. But as I got up to use the restroom, I felt a gush and blood was covering my pants (and my feet).

Needless to say, I quietly grabbed my purse and bag and went through the front office, even more quietly telling my principal that I was leaving to go to the doctor. She rushed me out, I drove with no music and thought about what this all means. My OB is out of town and they suggested I go to the ER, but why expose myself to all those germs when Labor and Delivery won't even take me until after 20 weeks? So, I called my peri and they had me come in. My peri wasn't there, so I saw another doctor on staff.

The ultrasound showed both babies seem to be doing well still. Hearts beating away, active and moving. The vaginal ultrasound revealed I have full placenta previa, which isn't totally shocking @ 14 weeks, but as the peri said, "That is a WHOLE lotta placenta covering your cervix." There were no clots showing or tears or abruptions, so they aren't even 100% sure the bleeding is coming from my placenta, but that is what it looks like. They did blood counts on me and said if the bleeding doesn't slow down by 3 pm, I am to go to the ER, which upsets me even more, but I don't know what else to do.

I have no experience with bleeding in pregnancy and because my only bleeding episodes have been with miscarriage, my brain just doesn't quite wrap around how this is all playing out. I am on bedrest. I am so nervous and scared and have millions of thoughts going through my head about how I am going to do this and if everything will be okay with the babies.

And the tech told me, quietly, as she was looking around, that Baby A is a boy . . . but Baby B was hiding. I don't know how to be happy when it seems something horrible could be happening.

Still here . . . .

I haven't posted in a while, but if it makes you feel any better, I have thought about it frequently and just wondered where I was going to get the energy to walk over to the computer and sign in. By the time I get home from work, I barely have enough energy to conjure up some dinner, put on pajamas, and cuddle on the couch with Ainsley.

Things are still going well, really well, in fact. I had my first peri appointment yesterday and they did the first trimester screening. I never had this done with Ainsley - just met with the peri for some level II and level III ultrasounds in the second half of my pregnancy. While I don't have the results from the bloodwork back yet, he did tell me their nuchal folds were tiny, tiny, tiny, and he said it looks great and shows no indicators of Downs, etc. Their growth was great, both were playing around and just when measurements needed to be done, one would start to doze off and I would cough (still have this stupid dry cough) and the baby would jolt awake. (Okay, that is my interpretation, but that is what it looked like.) It was pretty cute.

As far as the peri can tell, they are di/di twins, as they are in separate sacs and do not share a placenta. He said this is good and that these type of twins often have less issues with growth restrictions and other early problems. He also said that my chances of preterm labor are small considering I carried Ainsley to term, but that he would be checking my cervical length every two weeks until the last trimester, and then it may become more frequent. That is very reassuring and even though I should be at my OB or peri once every week to two weeks for the rest of this pregnancy, I feel somewhat reassured that everyone is on top of this.

I also expressed to him some of my anxiety about this. I have blown through two books on twins in the last few weeks and it seems like anxiety in a multiple pregnancy is very normal. It varies. Some days I feel like superwoman and other days I feel like wringing my hands over how I will do it all. I have been a little amazed at the weight gain already. It isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but holy cow am I going to be big . . . He said eat well, eat a lot, eat often. My weight gain of 40 pounds was justified in his eyes, if I am even able to control it and shoot for that.

As for work, both my doctors said to expect to be sent home if all is going as expected around 28-32 weeks. I have already decided that 30 weeks is my cut-off and I will just go on house arrest, praying no other problems send me home earlier. I plan on telling my students today, which should be interesting. Mike's family knows now, too. I came up with a really cute way of telling them - so proud of my creative genius - haha! I filled up a box with Halloween goodies and cookies, etc. And I sent this note:

Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat!

Here are some goodies for you to eat!

But before you scream, "Eeeeeek!" or "Boooooo!"

Can you guess who is expecting?

And not just one, but TWO?

That is right! Ainsley is getting not one, but two siblings this Spring!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween!

:-)

Monkeys run in our family . . .

I went in for what is *supposed* to be my last ultrasound with Dr. D this morning. Both babies were bouncing around, waving arms and doing flips just like my little monkey Ainsley did when I was pregnant with her. Their heartrates are now in the 170s, which leads me to believe that I am pregnant with two girls, much to my husband's dismay. And their measurements are on-target, etc. Dr. D was out today, so I was told he would review my chart and ultrasound report and hopefully tomorrow I will know his thoughts.

The other great news is that despite vomiting pretty frequently this weekend, my progesterone actually went back up to 29. (Yeah!) They are taking me off the Vivelle patches, so I am just on the Estradiol and the Prometrium still. The nurse said this means the placentas may finally be taking over and doing their thing, so hopefully I will only have  few more weeks until I can stop the Prometrium, too.

It is 4:50 pm. I made it back to work after being so sick for an all day training, but I am so wiped out. . . .  I am going to put my pajamas . . . . ah, the best part of the day.

Here is a side-view of my strange shelf . . . still managing to conceal it pretty well, but I don't give it long before people either assume I have been at Krispy Kreme too much or that I am pregnant. Or both. :)

Rough Week

This is the article I first saw when I turned on my computer this morning.

Since Tuesday evening, I have been sick. It started with a sore throat, then moved into a sinus infection, and Wednesday night, I started coughing up that horrible green gunk. I called Dr. D Wednesday evening and I told him it felt like bronchitis. I have no fever, however, just feel pretty awful altogether. He said it is most likely viral and if we could avoid antibiotics, that would be good. So I have taken nothing and have missed three days of work this week.

I started thinking more about it and that article describes it perfectly. I feel like my body is having a difficult time fighting this off. I get winded going up the stairs and I sit up suddenly 5-7 times a night gasping for breath and coughing away. Pregnant women have compromised immune systems and shortness of breath, which can be due to compressed organs and lungs. It is so scary to think that right now, I am exposed and open to the elements, especially since I am already sick. So . . staying in this week away from the students and hopefully this weekend will enable me to get well.

We are getting our flu shots the 17th at our health fair for work. Now that I have been sick, I probably couldn't get it any sooner anyway because you are not supposed to get a flu shot if you have had a cold, etc. in the last 10 days. But I called the Health District yesterday and they have no estimated dates, no clue on when the H1N1 vaccine will get here. I think I am definitely leaning towards getting it now.

In the meantime, I am just going to read and watch movies and hope this passes soon so I can be well.

Good ol' self esteem

To put it bluntly, I started this pregnancy off on the high side of things. I was doing WW pretty religiously before fertility meds for my IVF cycle began and I felt so thrown out of wack that I opted to stop counting my points and just focus on eating well. Somehow, I manged to gain twelve pounds in the whole grand scheme of things and this does not count the weight I gained in the IUI cycles either. (Blame it on hormones. And pie. And the batch of brownies I just had to make every now and then.) The thing is - I cannot make myself feel like crap about it. I know myself well enough to know I can work hard if this pregnancy comes to fruition and eat well, and also drop the weight afterwards, plus some. It is hard to explain, but I don't think I ever gave weight loss 100% since I have had Ainsley because I always knew I wanted another child. Bad excuse, but it is what it is.

So, now I am reading Barbara Luke's book on the nutrional aspects of a multiple pregnancy. (Thanks, Lisa!) Yes - I am very aware that sometime between the time I had my last ultrasound and now, I may have one less baby or possibly worse. But so far, I have had nothing external to make me worry any more than I already do on my own. I have to try to be optimistic, at least for the sake of everyone around me. :-)

Anyway, the book does have some rather scary goals I should be meeting in terms of weight gain and caloric intake already. But there are a few places that talk about pre-pregnancy weight's role in this, too. And it appears that I don't have to gain an insane amount of weight to help these little babies be viable, just eat often and eat well. I gained 32 pounds with Ainsley. My husband said, "Well, doesn't that logically mean that you will gain 64 pounds with this pregnancy?" Well, um, no, because she didn't weight 32 pounds, although she felt like it, at times. And even though the book suggest women of normal weight gain 60 pounds in a twin pregnancy, I am not of a normal weight. So, I would assume 40 pounds would be reasonable - not that I have that much control over it - but I am adding it to my questions for my OB and peri once I (hopefully) get to see them. As of now, I have gained three pounds. I am 9 weeks pregnant. At this point with Ainsley, I had gained zero. So, I guess I am doing okay. (P.S. I am not trying to jinx things, but I have thrown up so much less with this pregnancy than with my pregnancy with Ainsley. Does that even make sense? It makes me worry.)

I took a few photos with the webcam tonight if anyone wants to poke fun. My body seems wider, if that makes sense. And the way my stomach looks, it is as if my uterus is right under my rack. Strange. I never got a really cute pregnancy belly with Ainsley either, though so I guess I wouldn't expect this to be any different.

Let me know if you are interested in seeing the shots. Or better yet, you could just tell me how gorgeous I am, even if you are fibbing, and I will feel better. :-)

Better Up than Down, I Guess!

So my progesterone went back up to 22. Dr. D doesn't seem overly concerned, so I am free from the bloodletting until my next ultrasound on the October 5th. In the meantime, I am going to try really hard to not worry about everything. The list goes on and on and includes things like: Why didn't I throw up today? What do I feel okay and not like death (like last weekend)? Why is this pregnancy so different than before? Why is my pee so yellow when I am drinking all this damn water? Why isn't my hair growing faster?

I need a vacation.